3:47 p.m. - 2004-03-16
Pulling My Life Together
I have this odd feeling, running under the surface of my thoughts, that my life is starting to pick itself up, and dust itself off.
I don't know what clothes it's going to put on yet, or where it's going to go. But it seems to be making an effort to look at a map and get some direction.
In the several weeks, the following things have happened:
I have worked, very calmly, in my studio from 8:30 to 3 pm every day. Sometimes even beyond 3 pm. I have actually made significant progress on some good pieces of art, without all the sturm und drang and general discombobulation that has plagued me in the past. If I keep up on this schedule, I may actually be able to pull this art thing off.
This is the most important thing. I have been feeling so conflicted about my work for several years now. Is it any good? Does it suck and no one is telling me? Why don't I make more money? Will I ever be rich and famous? Is it ok to make art even if you aren't da VInci? Am I just to shy to promote myself properly? Should I use more green?
The last few weeks I have stopped asking those questions. I'm not asking any questions. I'm just doing the work.
I have decided that the time has come to throw myself back into animal rescue/education type work. I had been wanting to be involved with something else, something that would save the world!! Like a more large scale environmental project or organic food/biodynamic stuff or working with the Green Party or something. And I don't want to have my heart broken anymore by animal horror stories.
But after months of soul searching I've decided that, really, this is where my heart is, and this is what I want to do. I'm hoping to work with the House Rabbit Society on things like fundraising, which almost no one else wants to do because they don't directly involve saving animals.
I'm realising that I can be involved with this issue in ways that I can handle, if I just let my brain be a little more creative about it. There is always money to be raised, and event tables to be staffed and maybe even a sanctuary bunny to be taken care of. I can do those things.
I have decided that it's ok that I am not saving the entire world, that I am only saving my tiny little corner of it. And at 3 pm every day, I go out and do just that. I've decided that it's ok to be "selfish" and spend time on my jungle and my cosmetically challenged house.
Because if I return the jungle to native plants it will support all the wildlife who are desperately trying to hang on in this all too suburban area. Already I am noticing more birds this spring than last spring, and more native plants springing up in the areas we've cleared of ivy.
And if I make my cosmetically challenged house into a wild and wacky artist's home, well....it will give people something interesting to talk about. And it will give me energy and happiness and maybe I will take all that energy and happiness and put it back into the world.
I really have this feeling that life is going to be ok. I don't have to do everything. I only have to do the few things that are important to me really well.
3 comments
