10:08 a.m. - 2003-02-26
Beggars Who Are Choosers
Oy, things get weirder and weirder.

Yesterday I was sitting at my studio table pretending to work but in reality going over and over certain things in my head. Things like how long had Ty really been dead when I found him, and should I have done CPR, and why had certain people who shall remain nameless not called me about my friend Diane's death, not to mention what was behind the mentally ill email that I got from one of them in response to my gentle query about this matter, and why was Burroughs as big as a fox when we have been starving him on weight control food for the last year and a half?

Yup, I was just musing on the general course of my life, when out the window I saw a skinny, dirty guy walking up my driveway. Bear in mind I am alone in the house, and my nearest neighbor is an acre away. And I haven't tested my personal alarm for six months and I strongly suspect the battery is dead.

If I had been thinking straight, I would never have answered the door. (Don't worry, nothing bad happens. You can finish reading!)

But I wasn't thinking straight, I was very upset about the recent course of events, so I opened the door. I did flip the lock on the outer glass door, though.

The guy stood back a few feet from the door. "I'm not here to beg", he announced, a hang-dog look on his face. "I'm looking for work. I'll rake your leaves, anything. I got five kids, no place to live..."

He went on and on in this litany of his woes. I had two conflicting reactions.

The first was to be upset with myself for being suspicious and unfriendly and untrusting, and probably racist, too, because he was black and would I have been so mistrusting of a white guy saying the same things? Maybe he really was in trouble. Maybe he really was looking for work. Maybe he was just an honest bum who needed a hand. What was that whole Bible verse about entertaining angels unawares? Maybe he was an angel!! Or at least some more highly evolved being!

The second reaction I had was, "Yeah, sure, you aren't begging. You're casing the joint, or you're going to rob me the minute I unlock this door. And FIVE kids? You don't need work, you need some condoms! I've heard all this crap before!" I had done a reading with some fortune telling cards this week and twice had gotten cards meaning "Beware of strangers! Do not believe their tales of woe! Do not be a stupid git!" so I was even more suspicious than usual. And this guy was weird. I was just getting a total skeevy nasty vibe.

I was also afraid, however, that if I told him to get the hell out of my yard he would turn into a psycho and kill me. Or come back later and rob us blind. And maybe he really was a more highly evolved being! It would be such bad karma if I turned away a more evolved presence!!

God, I am sooooo stupid. And I really was not thinking straight.

"Wait a minute" I said. I shut and locked the front door, and went into the kitchen. I would give him some food, and maybe he would go. It would be a kind thing to do if he really was hungry, and it would get rid of him.

The embarrassing thing is that I could hardly find anything to give him. Since Ty died we have been living on chocolate and salsa. I put two cans of tuna in a bag, and two apples, and three one dollar bills.

I very cautiously opened the door and handed it out to him. He looked inside it.

"What's this? You don't got any meat? Any chicken? I need some meat!!" He sounded genuinely angry.

It was all I could do not to say "Beggars can't be choosers! Oh, but I forgot, you supposedly aren't begging!"

"I'm sorry, it's all I've got." I said and started to close the door.

"Hey, wait!" He was right up at the door now. "Hey, how about I jump in the back of that truck and you drive me to Krispy Kreme on the Parkway?"

"That truck doesn't run!" I yelled, and slammed the door. I was shaking.

I watched as he walked across my lawn, and down the street. I called Bruce. He freaked out.

"Did you call the police? You didn't just call the police? You need to CALL THE POLICE!!"

I called the non-emergency number for the police. A nice female officer took down the information. After I told her the whole story she said "Honey, don't you EVER open your door to ANYONE like this ever again! You call us immediately!! It scares me to death to think you did that!! We've had a couple of cases of people stabbed and robbed by men claiming to be looking for work, and there was a series of rapes not long ago of women who opened thier doors like this. We solved those cases, but there's always more crazy people in the world."

Sheesh. I am such a dope.

*************************************

After I hung up the phone, I thought of my neighbor Gladys. She's 80 years old, and quite frail. I called her and left a message on her machine, slightly terrified that she was perhaps lying in her foyer, an ax in her head. Her car wasn't in the driveway, but still....

Gladys must be psychic. A few minutes later her car pulled into my driveway.

I ran out. "Gladys, did you get my phone call?!"

She shook her head. She had just been out shopping, and had wanted to bring me some muffins from her favorite bakery. I told her the whole story and she shook her head. Nothing like that had happened for quite some time, she said. It was a very safe neighborhood. He probably was harmless, but she was glad I called the police.

And she seemed tickled that I would be concerned about her. "I feel so good that my neighbors care!" she giggled. "And that husband of yours is so big, I bet he could take care of any thief in the neighborhood! I feel so safe with him around!"

I neglected to point out that Bruce had actually been at work when this had happened. She would have to have been protected by wimpy me.

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