2:18 p.m. - 2002-03-02
Housebuying Terms
In the process of this housebuying experience Bruce and I have learned to interpret those often cryptic house-for-sale ads. For those of you who are also housebuying we offer the following explanation of these common phrases:
"Good starter house" = it's tiny, it's ooky, and you won't want to live there long.
"Cozy" = it's really tiny.
"Cute as a button" = there's not enough room to swing a cat and it's really tacky, too!
"Crown molding" = the house only has 6 foot ceilings so the owners threw up some cheesy woodwork to make them look higher.
"New vinyl in bathroom!" = the new vinyl is a vibrant, sickening purple and the old vinyl is still rotting away underneath it.
"Motivated seller!" = the owner has just found out that the sewer pipes are rusted out and wants to sell the house before anyone catches on.
"Transferable termite bond" = which you're going to have to go to court to get the termite extermination company to honour.
"Two fireplaces!" = but if you will go outside the house and look up you'll see that they are not actually attached to any chimneys.
"Quaint" = If you pull off the umpteen layers of pitted sheetrock and cheesy 60's fake wood paneling, you might possibly find some beadboard under there.
"Older home" = In the South, this actually means any home older than about 1970.
"House has settled slightly" = I love this one!!! It's my favorite!! What it actually means is that if you stand at the front of the house and put a marble on the floor it will quickly roll all the way to the back, because the floor supports are rotting and the house has a significant slant! Settling, my eye!!
"Lovingly maintained" = we actually saw this phrase used to describe a truly beautiful house which had one slight problem: the roof over the kitchen had rotted out!
"Needs updates" = Warning! Cheesy 60's fake wood paneling!!
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