9:45 p.m. - 2003-11-27
Pet Fantasies
For your Thanksgiving enjoyment:
MY SICK AND TWISTED PET FANTASIES!!
(Safe for animal lovers to read)
Sick fantasy #1: I think I've talked about this before, but I would really like to retile my floor in black and white checkerboard tile. And then I'd like to get about two dozen more rabbits, all with various combinations of black and white fur. Black and white rabbits hopping around on black and white tile. Trippy!!
Sick Fantasy #2: This is a variation on the theme. I've always thought orange tomcats had the best personalities of any cats I've known. There's just something about them - they always seem so laid back, except where food is concerned. They're the kind of cats you can kick back and have a beer with on Saturday night.
Since getting Burroughs, I've really fallen in love with this easy-going, "what, me worry?" type of cat. So the fantasy is, if one of these big ol' guys feels good laying against your stomach when you're doing the couch potato thing, wouldn't twenty feel so much better?
And if one is a cute little food hog, chowing down as fast as possible the minute the cat food bag appears, wouldn't twenty be just fabulous? Really!! It would be like having a herd of lions!! We could pretend the living room is the Serengeti!! The water bowl would be the oasis!! And I wouldn't even need a blanket in this cold weather! Why, all those cats herding around would keep me nice and toasty!!
Sick Fantasy #3: I had a book when I was little called "Peppermint", about a little stray white cat who is adopted by a nice family. They accidently spill blueing on her the day before the school pet show, and her lovely light blue colour wins her a prize.
Ok, so a couple of years ago, while I was frosting a cake, I was thinking about that book and realised that, I, in fact, now have a white cat. Yup, Athena is spotlessly white. There was a pot of pink food colouring treacherously close, and I couldn't control myself. A minute or two later, Athena had a little pink dot on her head. Adorable!!
It wasn't quite so adorable when I tried to wash it off and it just got bigger. And then, later that week I had to bring her to the vet because I noticed she had lumps on her stomach which I was convinced were cancerous. (Can you say "benign fatty tumours"?)
Our vet, Dr. J., went into hysterics. Good hysterics, like she thought it was hilarious. I've never heard the end of it from her.
You'd think I'd be done with this, but I'm not. I secretly want to take all those lovely pots of food colouring and dab them all over Athena. A multi-coloured spotted cat!! Wouldn't be fabulous!! Every Halloween I say I'm going to do this, and then I chicken out. Because it really is sick. And twisted. And knowing Athena, I'd lose at least one of my hands in the process.
Sick Fantasy #4: I want a Border Collie. I've always wanted a Border Collie. I would just die to have a Border Collie.
What's so sick about wanting a Border Collie? It would drive Bruce completely stark raving insane, that's what's so sick about wanting a Border Collie. Not to mention the cats, and especially the rabbits. Do I care? Well, I must care, because we don't have one. But that doesn't mean I don't want one!! No siree.
Sick Fantasy #5: I'd love one of those hairless cats. And this is really sick, because I think the people who bred those poor felines are just really cruel and twisted. But the cats? I can't explain it. They bring out the maternal instinct in me. I want to get one and wrap it in blankets and knit cute sweaters for it.
Which brings me to...
Sick Fantasy #6: I want to crochet hats for the bunnies! I have this little crochet pattern worked out in my head for sweet little bonnets, with holes for their ears. The only thing stopping me is that Mirage would undoubtedly eat them and get blocked intestines.
Sick Fantasy #7: Siamese cats. Lots of 'em. Need I say more?
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