3:54 p.m. - 2003-04-19
Rabbit FAQ
I just got back from Target. The rabbits like to get Bruce an Easter basket every year, and I am appointed the task of picking out the chocolate Easter bunny. Don't you love the names they give those bunnies? Last year we got Bruce the "Chopper Hopper" which was in the shape of a rabbit on a motorcycle. A rabbit on a motorcycle - now there's a scary thought! The year before that we got him "Pit Stop Pete", which was a rabbit in a race car. I loved this one so much that I've resolved that my next bunny will be named "Pit Stop Pete".

Uh oh. I just realised some of the House Rabbit Society people might be reading this. I wouldn't really name a rabbit Pit Stop Pete. Honest. Really!

This year's rabbit was a professor named Hare E. Hopalot. It was a very cute chocolate bunny, but unfortunately I wasn't thinking and left him in the hot car while I went to Barnes and Noble for an hour. When I came back poor Hare E. was slumped over in his cardboard box, his sugar frosting eyes down around his feet. Oh dear.....

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Of course, you all know tomorrow isn't really Easter. Noooooooo, not for us!! Tomorrow is the Universal Bunny Birthday! That's right, Easter is the official birthday of all the rabbits on earth! And to celebrate, Loki and Miss Bunny have agreed to help me answer the most frequently asked questions we get about rabbits.

But first, since you all liked that cute picture of the exotic, long-eared monkey that I put up a couple of days ago, here's another one:

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Most Frequently Asked Questions About Loki And Mirage And Rabbits In General:

Q:Even though I'm really not into animals I want a rabbit! I can just put it in a cage all day and ignore it, right?

A: Sure, if you are a totally obnoxious, horrible JERK!!! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be polite about this. But, unfortunately, I can't be. I do have some friends who are, like me, really nutty animal people whom I think would do very well with rabbits, and I'd love it if they'd adopt one. I think they could make a bunny happy!

But most of the people who ask me about getting one have the impression that rabbits are little more than moving stuffed toys, and they aren't really animal lovers, they just want an easy pet. Warning, rant ahead:

If you really want an easy care rabbit, I suggest you go to Toys R Us and look in the stuffed animal section. Otherwise, if you insist upon this folly, click on the HRS link on this page and read all about them. In particular, read about all their medical problems. Rabbits are strangely fragile health-wise.

Would you want to flush out your rabbit's Pasteurella abcess three times a day for two years? Are you willing to lance that abcess when it erupts and clean out a tablespoon or so of goopy pus? Can you give aftercare for two surgeries? Are you willing to give bicillin shots every two to three days?

I thought not. Yet you've just read the story of the last two years of my life with Miss Bunny. Pasteurella is quite common in rabbits - don't think your bunny wouldn't have this problem!!

Personally, I think that at birth every rabbit should have "For professional use only - do not attempt me at home!" tattooed on it's ear. Don't get me wrong - I love 'em. I wish I had the resources to have fifty of them! But hey, I'm nuts! They aren't for the faint of heart.

Actually I know I'm preaching to the converted here, and no one reading this would actually have this attitude. It's just that I get asked this question with sickening frequency, and I need to vent! End of rant.

Q: Are they stinky?

A: Tater asked me this about a month ago and I had to laugh. It's the all-time most frequently asked question about rabbits!! The answer I usually give is, yup, they stink to high heaven, but really I'm just being flip! The answer is two-fold:

The rabbits themselves smell like hay, which is what they eat and what they sleep in. I personally really like this as it reminds me of my grandparent's farm. Depending on what they've eaten they also smell like dill, basil, kale, oregano or mint. Loki has been eating chocolate mint every morning since Tater said she wanted to kiss him. I've tried to explain to him that she lives in Seattle and she won't be kissing him any time soon, but, sadly, rabbits have little understanding of geography.

The litter box? That's a different story and totally depends on the rabbit's caretaker. If you don't clean the litter box frequently, yes it will smell. But that isn't the rabbit's fault! And haven't we all known people who didn't clean their bathrooms? Peeeyooooo!

Q: Did you say "litter box"?

A: Yes, my rabbits are litter trained. They run loose in my studio and only have a cage because it's...well, it's where they hang out sometimes. It's kind of like a bedroom for them. But the door is never shut. They go in and out of it as they wish. They were easier to litter train than my cats.

Q: Do your cats and rabbits get along?

A: No, we have to keep them separated, but it isn't because of the cats. It's because of Miss Bunny. She menaces the cats. Seriously, she goes after them, ears back, growling and barking. The cats are such nitwits they don't realise that with one swat of their paws Miss Bunny would be toast. Instead they just turn tail and run. Pathetic!

Yeah, that's my girl. A menace to society.

Q: Wait a minute, did you say BARK???

A: Yes, rabbits bark. Though Miss Bunny sounds more like a goose honking. Loki actually sounds like the world's tiniest terrier on steroids. They also growl, and when they are eating something they like, they make little squeaky rubber duck noises.

Oh, and speaking of noises, Miss Bunny also snores.

Q: Do they play with toys?

A: Yes, they have paper towel tubes, paper bags, cardboard boxes, wicker baskets. They throw them around, tunnel under them. I have to be careful what I give them because, you know, Miss Bunny's body only exists to propel her teeth around. She'll chew up anything. So I can only give them toys that are safe to be ingested.

Q: I had a bunny a long time ago but it always had diarrhea.

A: It was probably not diarrhea. It was probably cecal pellets, which are a normal rabbit thing. It's kind of complicated, but the HRS web site has more info on this.

Q: How old are the bunnies?

A: They were strays so it's hard to tell. Loki is about 6 and a half years old, Mirage is about 7. Rabbits live to be 10 to 12 years old so they are actually middle aged rabbits. We've had them about five and a half years.

Q: What kind of bunnies are they?

A: Loki is a Dutch miniature. Our vet in Boston thought he was a purebred but since he was a stray we will never know. Dutchies were one of the first breeds of domestic pet rabbits (did you know rabbits have only been domesticated as pets for about five hundred years?) and, I think, were originally bred as lap pets for Dutch royalty. They have sweet dispositions and get to be about five pounds.

Mirage is obviously part Dutch. She has the tell-tale blaze up her nose. The rest? I think maybe Rex. She's about the right size and her body/head shape says Rex to me. Also, when she isn't shedding and has been brushed, she has the most beautiful plush fur, which is a big Rex trait.

Q: Wow, Mirage is a biiiiiiiig bunny!

A: Everyone who meets her says this, but actually, at 6.5 pounds she is really only a medium sized bunny. People are just used to seeing dwarf bunnies, so they don't know how big a rabbit can get. New Zealands, for example, get to be about 14 pounds. Now that's a biiiig bunny!

My personal fantasy is to someday have a Flemish Giant, a type of rabbit that gets to be about twenty five pounds. Unfortunately, they are somewhat rare and also Bruce would murder me if I brought home a 25 pound rabbit. Not to mention that we'd have to bunny proof our ceiling. Think how high those buns can jump!

Q: Were you joking when you said your rabbits thump before you get tornados?

A: No, I was not joking. Mirage starts thumping if a tornado is within about five miles. She usually starts about ten minutes before the sirens!! She is so dependable if it is raining and she starts to thump I start putting the animals in carriers and going to the safe part of the house. We think it is something to do with the air pressure changes and her very large and sensitive ears. Loki often joins in, but he does everything she does so I think he's just being a copycat. Uh, rabbit.

Q: How smart are they?

A: For an animal with a brain the size of a walnut, they are amazingly smart. They remember the sounds that the various food dishes make, they know how the baby gate to their room works, they actually know the sound of Bruce's truck and perk up whenever it comes in the driveway. Mirage also knows how to open the step-on trash can! Loki also has a cute trick where, if I'm leaving the room and he doesn't want me to go, he'll grab my pant cuff and then drive his feet into the floor, putting on the brakes, so to speak. It's very effective!

Q: Do they come when they are called?

A: Well, lately Miss Bunny has been answering to "Here Kitty Kitty!" Go figure!!

Q: How's Alvin? You haven't talked about him lately.

A: Alvin, our veterinarian and rabbit guru, is doing fine. We saw him last week, and he had just finished doing surgery on a lizard. What fun! Other than the fact that his six month old puppy is more destructive than Miss Bunny's teeth, things seem to be good with him.

Q: Are rabbits rodents?

A: No, they are lagomorphs. Or is it lagamorphs? (Oh dear, where are Bruce and Seth when I need them?)

Q: How come you don't have little rabbits all over the place?

A: Because Loki and Miss Bunny are responsible bunnies! They got neutered! It's a great idea to get your rabbit neutered. Not just because of the little rabbit problem, but because they also frequently get reproductive cancers.

Q: Are the rabbits doing anything special for their birthdays?

A: We tried giving them carrot cake a couple of birthdays ago but it was a disaster. They literally spit it out. I distinctly heard Loki mumbling something about "a terrible waste of a perfectly good carrot." So this year they are having raddichio and Belgian endive, which are so expensive they don't often get them.

Q: If the bunnies are married, how come it's "Miss Bunny" and not "Mrs. Bunny"?

A: Oh dear. This is so embarrassing. The bunnies are not actually married. They are, sadly, living in sin. Loki has a fear of committments and Mirage has developed the obsession that it will put them in a higher tax bracket. Besides, she's just not into that big, white, wedding thing. They both have the surname "Bunny" because Bunny is a very common last name for lagomorphs, sort of like Smith or Jones for humans. Sigh. Maybe someday.....

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