12:11 p.m. - 2003-03-25
Memphis Trip

Do I know these people?

We got back from Memphis last night. Helen is sleeping, and will probably sleep till noon. I think we wore her out. So I may have to cut this short if she wakes up.

Between railing at the hotel TV coverage of the war, and Helen and her cousin Barbara's plane flight getting re-routed, and having a major league back spasm, I had a really good time in Memphis. What a great city! Sure, it's decrepit, and the gap between rich and poor seems more pronounced than I've ever seen before, but sadly, I expected that sort of thing. What I loved was the history of the city, all the musicians that have passed through there. Not just Elvis - he's the least of it to me, but all the blues artists.

It's all kind of a jumble in my head. So here, in very rough chronological order, is everything I learned on the trip to Memphis:

1. The drive from Huntsville to Memphis is four hours long and dead boring. Unless you like cows and run-down shacks.

2. My favorite sign on the road was for �Cock of the Walk Express�, a gas station. Followed closely by �Happy Jack Auto�.

3. Memphis Airport's "Increased Security During Wartime" consists of a bored looking guard waving your car through the checkpoint.

4. There were more TSA police inside Memphis airport than airplane passengers.

5. Bruce refers to the TSA police as "shoe salesmen in uniform".

6. Brahms is a good thing to play over the intercom at airports so as not to have panicky passengers. What about Eno's "Music For Airports"?

7. You shouldn't play a bogus "Security Alert Tape" over and over if you want the Brahms to actually take effect.

8. New Orleans has voodou, Memphis has gospel.

9. The housing project Elvis and his parents lived in is right next to the Wyndham Gardens hotel. Which happened to be our hotel. It hasn't been turned into an Elvis Presley theme park, but instead was allowed to get really skanky and decrepit. It's now being gutted and rebuilt. The housing project, not Wyndham Gardens.

10. If you call ahead, you can get a tour of Elvis Presley's high school. The tour will be given by a twelve year old who probably has very little interest in Elvis Presley. From the outside his high school looks pretty run down. Evidently the Graceland people have no interest in investing in Elvis' alma mater.

11. The Wolf River is way polluted.

12. The Mississippi River is way big. Way bigger here than in New Orleans.

13. American Safari tours needs to renovate its '55 Caddy, which is actually more beige than pink. Dare I say it needs a woman�s touch? Or maybe a gay man�s! But it's huge and very roomy, as Caddys are wont to be.

14. The man who runs the American Safari Tours looks like a younger version of the guy in Repo Man who is driving around an alien in his trunk. Except his glasses aren�t broken.

15. A number of years ago Donna was in Memphis and sent me a couple of pictures of a sign for Atomic Pest Control and a huge mouse with a piece of cheese. Those signs are still up, looking brand new, on Elvis Presley Boulevard.

16. Helen is psychic! She brought me a gift from Boston - a book called "In The Devil's Snare" about the Salem witch trials that I have been wanting for months.

17. When Northerners come to the South in March they get seriously dazzled by how warm it is. They spend their time gawking at the daffodils and tulip trees, and wondering if they�ll be too hot in a sweater.

18. Priscilla Presley went to Immaculate Conception Catholic High School. Gaaaaaa!!!

19. If you go to Blues City Cafe on Beale Street, get the Cajun barbeque shrimp. It rocks! But get a dozen, a half dozen just doesn't do it.

20. One of my most favorite songs in the world is �Proud Mary�. The Ike and Tina version.

21. B.B. King does not always play at the club he owns on Beale Street, despite what the PR wants you to believe.

22. There are more haint blue houses in Memphis than there are in North Alabama.

23. The beignets at the Arcade Diner are better than the ones at Cafe du Monde in New Orleans. But they still have way too much powdered sugar.

24. Helen calls her cousin Barbara "Bubby".

25. Helen and Barbara had never had grits, sweet potato pancakes or fried green tomatoes before. I've never seen people so excited about eating ground corn.

26. Helen got to see the riverboat, Delta Queen, that she�ll be traveling on in a month. It was docked at Memphis.

27. Caf� Francesca on Main Street in the Pinch District has computer access for 25 cents a minute. If you feel desperate to update Diaryland. They also have a very good tuna sandwich.

28. A. Schwab�s on Beale Street sells a variety of hoodoo potions, but even though the store is packed no one is looking at them. Probably most of the tourists have no idea that getting rid of their nasty neighbors is just a sprinkle of �Hot Foot Powder� away.

29. Contrary to the name, �Tater Reds Mojo Shop� is mostly a classy souvenier shop. But they do have �Bitch Be Gone� candles and a great poster for the store that they�ll sell you for a mere 15 smackers.

30. There are more postcards of Elvis in Memphis than anywhere on the face of the earth.

31. The hotel where Martin Luther King was shot looks like any other hotel you�ve ever seen. The doors facing out on the balcony are a kind of medium green. There�s a cheesy looking white wreath marking the spot he was standing. It�s very spooky.

32. There are beautiful pink sunsets over the Mississippi.

33. It�s very bizarre to unexpectedly meet people you know from Huntspatch staying at the same hotel and having the same vacation you are.

34. Elvis impersonators are fun. I think they�re hilarious, especially when they don�t take it seriously. My next job? I want to sew costumes for Elvis impersonators.

35. Little kids like Elvis impersonators more than adults. I guess I�m a child at heart.

36. And speaking of this, all of Elvis� costumes for his later tours were made out of wool garbadine. Gaaa, he must have been sweating to death!

37. The free bands in W.C. Handy park are really great, but you have to dance with some stanky winos.

38. It�s a bad idea to go back to your hotel after a great day, say �Let�s see what we�ve blown up in Iraq today!� and turn on the TV. You�ll only cry and feel depressed.

39. Watching �Black Hawk Down� is a super bad idea as well.

40. Bruce wakes up in Memphis and sings �Woolly Boolly�. He also does a great Egyptian dance step.

41. They call dragonflies �mosquito hawks� in Florida.

42. Wyndam Gardens has lovely glycerin face soap shaped like little leaves.

43. If you put this hand soap, as well as all the shampoo, conditioner, bath soap, shoe sponges, and shower caps they give you, into your bag, the nice cleaning ladies with bring you even more the next day!

44. The Wyndham Gardens bath soap smells like lemons at first, but then slowly morphs into something reminiscent of cat pee.

45. Al Green�s Full Gospel Tabernacle is an interesting experience. Yes, the same Al Green who sang �Let�s Stay Together� and all those sexy soul hits is a reverend and has his own church. But, as Helen said, it seems more a performance than a church service.

46. People shaking and rolling around under the influence of the spirit of God remind me of people getting possessed by loas in Maya Deren�s films on voodoun in Haiti.

47. Al Green doesn�t care what you wear to his church. He�s baptizing the person, not the blue jeans!!

48. We all need to get washed down with that Holy Rain sometimes!! YEAH! That HOLY RAIN!!

49. I get sort of offended by gospel songs where people are singing �Do It For Me, Lord! Right Now!� I don�t think God needs to have demands made on Him. I think if anything, we should just ask Him nicely. Or Her. Or It.Or Them. What the Hell am I talking about anyway?

50. Ya�ll need to wave at God sometimes! Just raise yo� hand and WAVE AT GOD!! Right now!!!

51. The best part of the gospel service? A woman in a sparkly purple outfit and hat wailing about how �We NEED you, Lord! Right NOW! RIGHT NOOOOOWWW!� and she was obviously referring to the war. If everyone prayed with such intense fervor, the war would be over in about 20 seconds.

52. If you are a six foot tall white guy in the middle front rows of the church, and you are looking a bit serious during the service, Al Green will come over and hug you.

53. Bruce got hugged by Al Green.

54. If you leave the service early a spooky little kid will come up to you outside the church and tell you that �it�s bad if you leave�. You can erase the bad juju if you pray sincerely to God to forgive you and go straight on to Graceland.

55. Fuji film is the official film of Graceland.

56. Bring your Kroger grocery card for a discount to Graceland!

57. By the time you get through all of Graceland, including the car museum, the Elvis paraphernalia museum, and the two airplanes, you�ll be Elvis-ed out. I guarantee it. How much Elvis can you take?

58. The horses at Graceland wear protective eye masks because they are old and have weepy eyes. Maybe I should get some protective eye masks for the rabbits.

59. Lisa Marie�s favorite chair is the round furry one in the jungle room.

60. Graceland smells like bathroom disinfectant.

61. The pool room at Graceland has something like 350 yards of groovy fabric on the walls. I want to live in the pool room.

62. Elvis� mom�s bathroom has poodle wallpaper.

63. Elvis wasn�t just the King Of Rock and Roll. He was also the King of Kitschy Home D�cor.

64. I mean, the Jungle Room? My Gawd!!

65. You can buy postcards with recipes for peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

66. Elvis� favorite movies were Monty Python and Peter Sellars movies.

67. Elvis� airplane, the Lisa Marie, was transported to Graceland on a truck with it�s wings removed. They had to close down Elvis Presley Boulevard to accomplish this.

68. The Lisa Marie has 24 kt gold plated sinks, and 24 kt gold plated seatbelt buckles.

69. Elvis� other airplane has lime green and lemon yellow seats.

70. Elvis was an avid reader!!

71. We were the last people out of Graceland on March 23, 2003.

72. They have coloured spotlights that shine on the trees at Graceland after dark. It�s very festive!

73. After being without your rabbits and cats for 24 hours, you will definitely start missing them like crazy.

74. The food at King�s Palace on Beale Street was just a tad too spicy. Definitely a three beer dinner.

75. Don�t drink the blue drink they serve there either. Even if your back is killing you and you think it will act as a muscle relaxant. You will instantly be so drunk you won�t be able to remember what the drink is called the next morning.

76. Do not EVER forget to bring Advil with you on a weekend trip. There is no place in Memphis to get any at three am when you really need it.

77. The bathtubs at Wyndham Garden are strangely angled so that you are guaranteed to make your back pain worse if you take a bath in them.

78. Watching war coverage on CNN doesn�t help back pain either.

79. And neither does taking deep breathes and saying affirmations like �I am healthy and pain-free!�

80. The rooms in Wyndham Gardens have Barcaloungers. If you take enough Benadryl you can eventually get yourself to fall asleep in them, despite your back pain.

81. There are still trucks driving around Memphis at four am. If you are a light sleeper who is in pain, they will wake you up.

82. But then you�ll get to see the sun come up, which is very beautiful.

83. You know you have an amazing husband when he offers to try and get you Advil at three a.m. in a strange city. (I didn�t let him.)

84. Don�t eat breakfast in the hotel dining room. It�s pricey and the waiter will forget to bring you silverware and cream for the coffee.

85. Advil is a miracle drug

86. The Sun Studios tour costs $9.50. It�s worth it. Really. It�s better than Graceland, and you won�t get Elvis-ed out.

87. Sam Phillips thought Howlin� Wolf was his most important discovery. I agree.

88. Elvis probably did not record his first song as a birthday present for his mom. That�s just a very sweet story.

89. Audio recording technology has come an amazingly long way. Those old tape recorders must weigh a TON!!!

90. Bruce denies this, but I swear he got teary eyed on this tour.

91. If you want to be in old blues heaven, go to the Sun Studios CD store.

92. The Sun Studios tour guide is a Betty Page lookalike who talks too fast.

93. Best souvenir of the trip? A reproduction of a 1964 Howlin� Wolf / Muddy Waters concert poster.

94. They claim the microphone in the studio was used by Elvis, and you can take your picture with it. Bruce is dubious.

95. The ceiling of Sun�s recording studio looks worse than my kitchen�s.

96. Sam Phillips put in the original light fixtures at Sun. They are still there, after all these years.

97. You can see Elvis� Social Security card in Sun�s museum! As well as his high school diploma!

98. The drive from Memphis to Huntspatch is even MORE boring than the drive from Huntspatch to Memphis. Way more boring.

99. Rabbits have a good memory. They know that if they beg you will always give them treats when you come back from an overnight trip.

100. Burroughs loves Helen. He thinks he has found real true love. I think he is going to propose that she marry him and take him back to Boston and feed him wet food for the rest of his life, instead of the weight reduction garbage we�ve been feeding him.

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