4:48 p.m. - 2002-12-07
I Am Not A Hootchie Mama
Jeez, I don't usually update twice in a day. I must be feeling hyper or something. It's amazing the effect not having to sit with an embroidery needle for 12 hours a day will have on you.
Thank God this show is over.
So I'm downstairs now, listening to WJAB. 'JAB is our "Smooth Jazz, Cool Vocals" station. Uh huh. If they play "Hootchie Mama" one more time I'm going down to the station with an ax and destroying their transmitter. I've also heard The Temptations' version of "Silent Night" about five times. And some song called "It's Our Anniversary" that they keep playing. Ooooooh, it's so insipid! It's some guy whining over and over "Do you know what day it is? It's our anniver-suh-ree!!" with singers in the background crooning "Do ya'? Do ya'? Ooooo Ooooo, yeah, yeah."
I have this image of some big, honkin' Hootchie Mama coming up behind this guy with a frying pan and giving him a big ol' whap on the head. "Of course I know what day it is, you damn fool! Now go take the trash out!"
I'm actually waiting for Microwave Dave to come on with his blues show at six. Dave is a local blues musician and has the only radio show I can really get into here in our little radio dead zone. He plays a mix of old and new blues and always manages to slip in some really wonderful old stuff - old Bo Diddley, Howlin'Wolf, B.B. King. And his taste in newer stuff is good, too. Nothing too commercial or insipid.
I met him once, at a performance he did, and I keep saying I'm going to go over to KoffeeKlatch some Tuesday, as he has a standing gig there on Tuesday nights. He's a really sweet guy, and a nice musician, too. He went to Berklee in the '70's so we had an interesting talk about Boston.
**********************************
The reason I got back on the computer was because we got one of those "Welcome Wagon" advertising packets today, full of really cheesey offers for new address labels, and CD clubs and coupons for pizza. One of the offers was for the "One Spirit" book club, which seems on first glance to be New Age sorts of books. On second glance there are some interesting titles sprinkled in with the books on Feng Shui.
Hmmm. Let's see. How about "Sexual Positions"? I kid you not, that is the title of the book! And the cover of this book, which they graciously reproduce, shows a couple doing....something. I can't figure out what! I know I am a naive farm girl from New Hampshire but, uh, is it possible to have sex like this?
What it kind of looks like is that the couple is "spooning", except that the woman is on her back and the man is sort of levitating above her. And they aren't actually touching! I guess this is like a safe sex position? Huh?!
I know I said I wasn't going to go into sex in this diary, but let me just say that if Bruce and I tried this I would be:
#1. Scared to death he would lose his ability to hold himself up and come crashing down on me, which would be extremely unfortunate because I don't have health insurance to repair the damage that would do.
#2. If Bruce could keep himself suspended above me for any length of time I would be bored silly. I would desperately want to tickle him, which would probably result in #1.
There's also a book called "The Multi-Orgasmic Couple" which has a picture of the faces of a couple who look as though they have rigor mortis, or maybe they have just contracted tetanus. Maybe having a constricted smile on your face enhances your ability to have orgasms. Bruce and I will have to try this during our next go-round.
What about "Extraordinary Sex Now"? The cover is, uh, extraordinary, alright. It's also ICKY! But I guess "Icky Sex Now" wouldn't sell as well. Ooooh, I don't know what they're DOING!! Ahhhhh!! It makes me squeamish! Can they sell books like this without a license?! I need to go back to looking at rabbits!!
The next time Bruce and I jump into bed I'm going to suggest that we first practice some levitation techniques, and then do unspeakably weird things with our stomachs and some mysterious juices. And then we'll paste big, neurotic smiles on our faces and have multiple orgasms!! YEAH!
Or how about "Feel Good Naked" featuring a photo of a woman with a blanket inappropriately wrapped around her good parts. Isn't this a little contradictory? Feel so good naked that you have to wrap yourself up in a blanket! Actually that's the only way I would feel good naked right now because it's freezin' down here in 'Bama!
0 comments
