8:32 p.m. - 2002-10-16
Artist's Block
Warning: There will be much whining and soul-searching in this entry. I'm having a bad day. Sniff.
Actually, I'm having problems with artist's block. I periodically get this, usually when I have a deadline for a show. My deadline currently is December 6, for a little installation at Bare Hands. I have the barest glimmer of an idea of what I want to do for this installation, but I have no finished work. Zero. Zip. Zilch.
My muse has evidently gone on vacation.
I feel this constant sense of panic which is certainly not conducive for producing anything of any value. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have been feeling for a long time, several years actually, that I have lost my artistic vision. I think that technically I'm pretty good (I would hope so, I've been doing this long enough), but I have nothing to say. I'm just turning out pretty pictures and pretty fiber pieces and nothing I'm producing is going to help change the world in any way, shape or form, so why bother? I'm not producing any masterpieces, and my art isn't any better than 99% of the other mediocre artists in the United States. I might as well be masturbating. I would be better off feeding people at a soup kitchen. Or even cleaning up my yard.
The problem is, I don't seem to be able to just walk away from it. Being an artist, for me, has always been something like being an alcoholic. I need to do art. Even though it drives me crazy, it occasionally drives Bruce crazy and it has, at times, really messed up my life, I still need to do it. I don't know what else I would do.
Or at least I didn't, until we bought the house.
These days, when I'm in the studio ripping up half-finished attempts at paintings, I look out the window and think about how I would much rather be gardening. I would rather be digging up the irises or uncovering our brick courtyard or tearing up English ivy or any number of other things besides staring at blank sheets of paper. This is really the first time I have thought I could walk away from art and not look back.....for at least a few months.
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