10:14 a.m. - 2002-05-01
The Crash Of Our FOURTH Housing Negotiation
I haven't written lately because I've been too busy steaming. Steaming like a pot of Oriental noodles.
Our fourth, yes, FOURTH!! housing negotiation just crashed like a UFO at Roswell. I'm beginning to ponder the great spiritual questions of life, like does God hate me?
We were negotiating on Hickory Hill, the ugly 1960's house which we have inexplicably fallen deeply in love with. Like the gawky guy with zits who brings you a Teddy Bear in the hospital when you're in eighth grade, there is something about this house we just can't resist. As my mother would say, it's soooo ugly it's cute.
So we had put in our second bid for $125,000 and asked that they pay up to $3000 of the closing costs and the seller seemed very interested. Over the course of a day or so we all waffled around and then they proposed we pay $130,000 and they would pay up to $3000 of closing. We talked to David at great length and he said he really thought it was a good deal, despite the houses cosmetic ookiness and the jungle-like aspect of its backyard. Also, when he measured the house it was larger than the seller had it listed for (3007 square feet instead of 2480) and the lot size was also larger (an acre instead of a half acre).
However, he knew the seller's agent well enough to know she would expect a counter offer, so he advised us to make some little demands, nothing really big. So we decided to ask for all the closing costs which would actually cover our housing inspection, and we also asked for $400 because the house was advertised with a stove and didn't have one. No big deal, it amounted to about $800 of concessions on their part.
Now you have to understand that during the days we were negotiating there was all kinds of emotional wah wah going on. If you have never bought a house, it's very hard to understand all the sturm und drang that ensues. All kinds of totally irrational fears descend, tailor made to fit the buyer's very own personal neurosis.
My particular fears centered around us going broke. No matter how many times Bruce explained to me that we could, in fact, afford this house I was convinced that we were headed straight to the poorhouse, even as I was contemplating buying 50's retro fabric on Ebay for the living room curtains.
Having finally settled on what we thought was the perfect offer, David called the seller's agent, who talked to the seller, who agreed to everything. They even had a long discussion about how to give us the stove money so that the bank wouldn't freak out and make us do all kinds of extra paperwork. They decided to not show the bank the addendum to the sales contract and just give us a check at closing, sort of under the table.
David called us with the good news, and asked if he could come over as soon as possible with the paperwork. He liked to get everything signed as quickly as possible after an agreement so that the seller couldn't change their mind. It proved a terribly prophetic fear.
Bruce rushed home from work and David arrived a few minutes later. We raced through what seemed like a zillion contracts, addendums, lead paint disclosures...do you know how many pieces of paper it takes to buy a house? After the final checking and double checking of all the tiny little fine print, David leaped into his truck and sped off to the seller's agent, where the seller was waiting. He looked for all the world like Clark Kent speeding off to find a phone booth.
Five minutes into his drive, his cell phone rang. It was the seller's agent. The seller had balked. The deal was off.
And why did the seller balk? Get this - it suddenly dawned on her that if we paid her $130,000 for the house, and she paid our closing costs, that she wouldn't actually make $130,000!!
Well, duh!
When David called us to tell us, there was a slight note of hysteria in his voice, like he was wondering how to get the safety off his father's hunting rifle. Although Bruce and I were laughing, there was a note of hysteria for us, too. I mean, seriously, out of our FOUR housing negotiations, NONE of them has panned out?! And who does this woman think she is going to sell this ooky house with a jungle backyard to for more than $130,000?
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