1:58 p.m. - 2002-04-16
Miss Bunny's Gas Attack
Miss Bunny is having intestinal problems. The antibiotics she is on are killing off the good bacteria in her intestines and allowing the bad kind to grow. The bad kind produces gas which can actually kill bunnies! I'm not sure how it does this - do they swell up and explode?
The chances that Miss Bunny will die in an explosion of gassy intestines is fairly small, however, I'm not taking any chances. Besides, as we all know, excess intestinal gas can be uncomfortable and embarrassing. God forbid Miss Bunny should be embarrassed by her intestinal goings-on!
So it is time (as Alvin, Miss Bunny's vet, puts it) to Induce Farting.
Have you ever tried to get a bunny to fart? It's a complex procedure. This is what you do:
1. Pick up the bunny and hold her nicely. Tell her how lovely and sweet she is, or if no one's at home to overhear, tell her she is big and bad and bootylicious. Bunnies like that sort of thing. Then gently put her into a trance. (A good description of rabbit hypnotism can be found by clicking on the HRS link on this page. Do a search there for "Rabbit Trancing". I'm serious. This is a basic rabbit handling procedure. You don't believe me?!! I dare you to look it up!!)***
2. Gently shift the hypnotised bunny backward until she is lying on her back, feet in the air. Shift her even further back until her head is below her feet. This will help the gas float down through her intestines toward her rear end and escape. Or so they tell me.
3. Gently massage the bunny's tummy, while making cooing and googling noises. This gentle massage helps to stimulate the intestines and also breaks up the large bubbles of accumulated gas.
4. Continue gentle massage even though the bunny has started to come out of her trance and is looking at you as though you might be doing something strange and maybe somewhat dangerous.
5. Continue gentle massage even though the bunny has decided that you have definately lost your mind and is desperately trying to break free.
6. Continue gentle massage even though the bunny has decided that you are a seriously deranged psychokiller and is flailing around, trying to escape at any cost.
7. Continue gentle massage even though the bunny is getting in touch with her inner PsychoBunny and has got the index finger of your right hand in between her razor sharp teeth.
8. Give up. Let the bunny go sulk behind her litter box. Go to the kitchen and pour a big glass of Glenfiddich and drink it all in one gulp. Convince yourself that all that flailing about must surely have stimulated her intestines and produced some gas. Surely there must have been some farting!
9. Go back to the bunny room and listen to the very loud gurgling of the gassy bunny tummy.
10. Repeat steps 1-9.
This reminds me of a silly joke. What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Oh, never mind.
***News Flash: In one of those wierd synchronicity sort of moments, this morning Bruce happened on a hilarious web site that describes trancing rabbits, with lots of amazing photos of bunnies in trance!! The woman who has this web site has 25 rabbits, and each one of them has it's own web page. Compared to this, I actually look fairly sane and normal. Go to: www.mybunnies.com/trance.htm
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